SiNs and TraGediEs

Tue, 21 Apr 2009 04:17:08 GMT

Check out my deviantart page:

http://katerinafm.deviantart.com/

Comments are appreciated (in the deviant page not here haha) =3 (omg Ive never used this face before haha)

...

=3

I rock at being cool.

My fanfics

Sat, 11 Aug 2007 19:53:49 GMT

You can find all my fanfiction here:

Oneshots:

Before the show Gerard/Frank
I guess I'm all yours now Gerard/Mikey
The Janitor's Closet Gerard/Mikey
The Elevator Frank/Gerard
Touring urges (the good kind) Gerard/Frank
Backstage Bliss Gerard/Frank
But I love you more than her Gerard/Frank

Also my two other waycests Just One Last Time and second part I live for the Ending are posted here on my journal

Love bites (vampire Gerard/Frank fic):
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Chapter 21
Chapter 22
Chapter 23

I live for the Ending (Standalone)

Sat, 07 Apr 2007 11:18:19 GMT

Title:I live for the Ending (Standalone)re-written
Author: katerinafm
Pairing:Gerard/Mikey
Rating:R
POV:Gerard's POV
Summary:I brought a shaky hand up and touched your cold cheek. A silent sob escaped my lips. I wanted to shake you awake. I just wished that you would wake up, and smile at me. That you would hug me again and tell me not to worry, that you were still here for me.
Disclaimer:Well if I owned then we all would be crying now so yeah I don't
Author Notes:This is a sequel to the really sad standalone Just One Last Time.I suggest you read it first so you don't get confused.
Also thank to vamplover82 for beta-ing this fic =)
Warnings:Sexual content,sadness,incest,suicide,death

This is the second part or sequel of the standalone Just One Last Time (link underneath)I hope people enjoy it

Just One Last Time

I’m sitting on our bed, all the memories lying in front of me on the mattress. Small things that meant so much. Photographs of you smiling at me, looking happy. I know that the smiles were for me.

Our little secret.

You always liked keeping small things…Tickets to concerts we went to together, a dead flower from our special place.
You called them memories.
Brotherly love?
No. It was more than that.

It is more than that.

Mom says to me that with time the pain will go away. It’s been a month now. I hate everyone for acting normal.
But they didn’t love you like I do.
Everyday that passes I die just a little bit more. Knowing that I won’t see your face again. Knowing that your bony, yet protective arms won’t be around me again, your smile won’t fill up the room again with an imaginary light, making everything seem perfect around you.
It kills me.

A week after the end. The whole family was talking silently around you, giving me their condolences. I wanted to scream at them. I wanted to scream at them to just leave me alone and cry my heart out over your lifeless body.
But no sound came out.
It was an open coffin. Our mother was crying clenched in my arms, a tissue to her face, trying to hide her tears. My face was expressionless, dead. I looked around at the people who had come to mourn your absence.
Well fuck them.
People went and looked at you, observed you. Maybe they wanted to see if the funeral parlor did a good job.
“Gerard honey, do you want to see your brother?” Our mum said to me. I looked at her, puzzled, and gradually stood up from my seat, walking slowly towards your coffin, you.
When I saw you, lying there in the coffin, I kinda realized why all these people were looking at you. You looked so pale and cold. They had taken off your glasses. It was like you were a different person.
This wasn’t you.
I really tried hard not to cry. I tried so hard that my throat hurt and my vision blurred from the tears I was trying to keep from falling down my cheeks.
You were still beautiful.
I brought a shaky hand up and touched your cold cheek. A silent sob escaped my lips. I wanted to shake you awake. I just wished that you would wake up, and smile at me. That you would hug me again and tell me not to worry, that you were still here for me.
How selfish of me.
Without anyone noticing, I leaned close to you and kissed you.
But I didn’t kiss you. I kissed your lips. But even if they had seen me kissing you, I didn’t care. It didn’t matter. Nothing did. Because you were gone.
“I miss you,” I whispered, a tear falling down my cheek. Those were my last words ever since.

Our mother’s been worrying about me. I’ve lost a lot of weight since you’ve been gone.
Your clothes fit me now.

I’ve also started drinking. I hate myself for that. Because I had promised you that I wouldn’t touch it again, for you.
And someone would think that I do it to be happy again, to forget. But it’s not like that.
I drink to fade myself away.

I do it because sometimes, just sometimes when I drink, I get the feeling that you’re still here. But then I get that killing feeling in my stomach. I’d realize that you are not here. With me. And you will never be. Ever again.
On this shit hole we call life.
And then I’ll break down in my room, each time crying just a little while longer, because it hurts more each time.
But I keep doing it. Because those few moments when I don’t think clearly, it’s like everything is okay.
You’re here and it’s okay again.

I look through our stuff, and find a video camera. For a moment I feel like I’m going to smile.
But I don’t.
I turn it on and watch. I watch us. And it’s like yesterday…

”Say hi to the camera, Gee!” I heard your voice say. I fluttered my eyes open and looked at you. You were holding a camera, the one I had just bought you for your birthday. You were filming me, only in your boxers and I was beneath the covers. I groaned
“Nawhh” I pouted, sinking my face on the pillow. But I knew you’d win me over eventually.
“Aww come on Gee for meee?” You said making a cute little voice. I looked at the camera and smirked. I was looking at you. You were so beautiful, your hair all messy and that sweet smile on your face.
“Is that okay? Can I go to sleep now?” I said smirking at the camera.
“No! You have to make a dedication, you sexy beast!” You said giggling, lying next to me on the bed. I laughed
“Well your sexy beast is tired. You used it too much” I said winking at you. You giggled.
God I love you
“Really? Aw I’m sorry, let me take care of you” You said crawling on top of me underneath the covers. You managed to have the camera above us, filming our faces. You kissed me softly and I smiled.
“I love you” I said
“Say that here!” You said happily, placing the camera close to my face. I rolled my eyes but looked in the camera
”I’ll love you forever Mikey” I said glancing at you. You smiled and placed the camera next to us on the mattress.
We kissed slowly, exploring each other, so tenderly and perfect. I just wanted to whisper to you how lucky I was to have you, over and over again.
You started kissing down my chest and your head disappeared under the sheets.
I closed my eyes for a bit, taking sharp breaths as you took me into your mouth and started your head movements.
I watched at the bulge under the sheets, where your head was. You knew I liked to watch you. You were teasing me.
I hadn’t even realized that the camera was still on, as I arched my back slowly under your touch and moaned softly, my hands clenching on the sheets around me tightly.
“Mikey!” I breathed out, letting myself collapse on the mattress, a satisfied smile on my face. I watched as you slowly crawled so that your head was sticking out of the covers.
You were breathtaking.
Your hair was all messy and your lips were forming a smile that made me fall inlove with you all over again.
And it seemed right.
“My Mikey” I said softly, caressing your cheek. You kissed me and took the camera in your hands again
“Forever yours,” You said, making the camera look at you, but staring at me the whole time.

As I watch this video now, I cry once again, sobs rocking my body silently. I crawl into a little ball on the bed. This is too much for me.
I just want to be with you.
Your father is in jail now.

I don’t call him a father. A father doesn’t kill his own blood

I hope he stays there forever. Maybe then he’ll understand what he has done. But he will never, EVER understand the pain he’s putting me through. He’ll never understand what he destroyed.
He didn’t just destroy you. He destroyed me.
Us.
Every bit of me.
Our mum has been sending me to a psychologist. She thinks that I’m going through an after shock; therefore I’m unable to speak. But truth is it’s not that I can’t speak. I just don’t want to. I don’t see the point in using words anymore. If you can’t hear them, then it doesn’t matter.
In every appointment, I just look at the guy that pretends he wants to help me, till the meeting's over. All that while, he scribbles down on a piece of paper. I bet he doesn’t even write anything.
Only you understand me. God I miss you so much.
I caress all of your pictures, and I find a small dry flower inside a small book that you had given me:
’Three Tales of Chemical Romance’
I place the flower gently between my fingers, trying not to ruin it.
Sometimes I feel like I ruined you. That I corrupted you by loving you. I can’t help but wonder what would have happened if we hadn’t found out what we felt about each other. You wouldn’t be gone now and maybe, just maybe everything would be okay.

Even if I didn’t have you in my arms.

Four years before the ending. We had just experienced death for the first time.
The death of our grandmother, Elena.
It was lightly raining outside, just a few drops falling on the grass of the cemetery. The sky was grey and full of clouds. I had convinced myself that the sky was crying for our loss.
I was standing next to you while I was holding an umbrella above our heads, both our faces bowed down, mourning silently.
We both loved Grandma so much.
I glanced around me quickly, before holding your hand, our thick coats hiding our laced fingers. You rubbed my hand with your thumb slowly.
We were comforting each other, the way we both knew made each other feel safe again.
“Wanna get out of here?” I whispered in your ear. You looked at me and sniffled, nodding. I just wanted to kiss you and wipe all your tears away. I wanted to hold you in my arms tightly, till all the pain went away.
But I couldn’t.
We slowly made our way out of the crowd, walking along the gravestones. We both knew where we were going.
We slowly walked up the small hill, and you sat down on the grass. There was a big oak tree, casting a shadow above us.
“Lay with me, Gee” You said softly, your voice weak. I closed my umbrella and settled myself next to you.
We lay down and you rested your head on my chest, while we were looking at the sky through the branches of the oak tree. I stroked your hair.
“I’m scared, Gerard,” You whispered.
“What are you afraid of?” I said, starting to rub your back comfortably like I knew it soothed you. You sighed.
“I’m afraid that I’m gonna lose you too. I don’t wanna lose you, Gee,” You whimpered and started sobbing against my chest.
Pretty ironic isn’t it?
I put my hand under your jaw and pulled your face up to look at me
“You will never lose me Mikey. I’m always gonna be here,” I whispered stroking your cheek. You leaned in and kissed me softly. I could feel your tears as you deepened the kiss and pulled me on top of you gently.
It wasn’t rough or anything. It was just beautiful. We kissed slowly, taking our time and allowing our minds to travel in our own world, where we could be together, forever.
But I guess that was too much to ask.
You broke the kiss and smiled at me. Next to your face on the grass was a small white flower. You glanced at it and pulled it out.
“Here,” You said grinning at me. I looked at it and smiled
“What should I do with it?” I said
“Keep it. It’s a memory” you simply said.
Just memories…

And now I’m looking at the same flower. The flower is dead, just like you. But I kept it. Because it’s a memory. Our memories.
I don’t want to let myself forget you. It just doesn’t feel right. It hurts too much to know that there is the possibility that my mind will manage to forget the most beautiful thing in my life.
My whole life, you.
And now the flower is not white anymore. It’s a dark red and the colors are dripping on the mattress and suddenly everything’s so…ironic.

I’m lying on the bed; my vision is a blur from all the liquor in my body and not only. And here are these moments again, where I think everything is going to be okay.
And…I laugh.
It was so simple all along. Each second that passes may be the last. And it feels so sweet because I know that one step closer to the end brings me closer to you.
I hate pretending.
I live for the ending.
I guiltily think that, if I go to hell for all that I’ve done, I wish you'd be there too. But no, that’s impossible. Angels only go to heaven.
My last laughs are mixed with tears. I can’t even tell if they are from sadness or happiness, as I see your face again, smiling at me.

So long and goodnight baby.

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So...I'm gonna say it. I'm sorry if it's not good XD. I would really really REALLY appreciate comments though. =)

Just One Last Time

Sat, 07 Apr 2007 11:09:55 GMT

Title:Just One Last Time
Author: katerinafm
Pairing:Gerard/Mikey
Rating:R
POV:Gerard's POV
Summary:Now I’m holding your body but I don’t like it. Cause I know that it may be the last time and it’s killing me.
“I’m cold” You whisper. I choke back a sob and hold you tighter trying to give you all the warmth in my body. I don’t need it anymore. I just need you.
Disclaimer:I don't own (well duh!)
Author Notes:This is a really sad standalone that popped in my head and I really wanted to write it.Sorry if it's confusing my thoughts were really puzzled.
Also thanks to vamplover82for beta-ing this =)
Warnings:Sexual content,incest,death

This is one of my stories that I had posted on mychemicalslash. But I decided to post it here too, aswell as the sequel which is now rewritten slightly.

The sound of a gunshot. A scream. A shout. An awful sound. A body falling on the ground.
I’m running to your body trembling. This can’t be happening.
“Mikey?” I say, lifting your head up from the floor. You open your eyes and look at your own blood running from your wound, then at me. Your eyes still have life in them.
Your father’s hands did it all. I don’t call him a father. A father doesn’t kill his own blood.
“You’ll be fine just hold on” I say firmly. Even though you’re in this situation you manage a weak smile. You close your eyes.

It started when you were 15. I was 18. One day you came back from school and I was drawing away in my sketchbook. You waved and sat on the couch next to me.
“What are you doing, Gee?” You said, tilting your head to the side in an adorable way.
“Nothing” I said. I couldn’t tell.
“Let me see!” You said reaching to grab my sketchbook. I tried to make it out of reach. But you managed to grab it.
“Mikey, no!” I said but it was too late. You were looking at them.
“…What?” You said, in confusion looking at the drawings.
They were drawings of you.
“I said, give them back you fucktard!” I yelled grabbing them from your hands. I stood up from the couch and started to walk, desperate to get away.
“Gerard” You said softly from behind me. I stopped walking and turned to face you. You were so beautiful. Your eyes were full of innocence.
They always were…
You gulped. I dared to get lost in your eyes. You stared back at me, a soft look on your face
“Gerard, I..” You started
“Just leave it Mikey” I said quickly running to my room. I regretted it. I wanted to know what you were going to say.
I remember I had locked myself in my room for the next week. I couldn’t bring myself to face you. Tell you how I felt.
I still do…
It was sick and it was wrong and I knew it.
I cried myself to sleep because of you. Our mother wondered what was going on, but I refused to talk.
One night, I was in my room staring out the window. My cheeks were stained with tears that I had stopped wiping away.
“Gee?” I heard a soft voice say. I looked at the door and saw your thin figure. I didn’t say anything.
You walked close to me. My heart was racing. You sat beside me by the window.
“I love you” You simply said. I shook my head
“You don’t” I heard my voice say trying not to break. You shyly brought your hand up to my face and felt my wet cheeks.
“I love you” You repeated firmly. New tears poured down my cheeks and you wiped them away gently.
I crashed into your arms crying. All the tears I had shed were nothing. I was holding them all in. Your soft hands stroked my hair and you kissed the top of my head, hushing me softly. I was the big brother, yet you were comforting me. Holding me till my eyes hurt from crying.
You cupped my face with your hands and looked at me. You bit your lip nervously. I knew what you wanted to do. I smiled weakly and brought my lips closer to yours.
“I love you” I said before stealing away your first kiss.

I could do anything to get these moments back.

Our mother is screaming. She’s screaming at the thing you call a father.
I feel your chest rise and falll; I want to see your eyes. I’m afraid I’m not gonna see them again. I shake you a bit.
“Don’t fall asleep” I say, my body shaking all over. Or was it yours? Your hand comes up and traces my features.
“Gee…” You say taking a sharp breath. I look at your wound. Blood is all over you, all over me. I can’t believe such a small body could contain so much blood. I’m trying to smile, to give you courage.
But you always seem to do that instead.
“Everything is gonna be okay” I say holding your hand tightly. You eyes are barely open, but you look at me. I feel so hopeless, just lying here holding your weak body in my arms. I want to cry. But I don’t want you to see me like this.

I was 20. You were 17. I looked around at the place you brought me to, then at your glowing face. Candles were lighted all around the bedroom.
You said you wanted it to be romantic. I laughed. You were always like that. I saw your sweet smile and wrapped my arms around you.
“I love you” I said.
Now it seems that I haven’t said it enough.
You smiled. God I loved your smile. A smile that you seemed to allow only me to see. You always managed to make me feel so special.
“I love you too” You said caressing my cheek. I leaned in to kiss you and you giggled in an adorable way. I always felt myself turning into mush just hearing you laugh.
Your lips were so sweet. Identical to mine, yet so unique. You tasted like coffee and caramel. I still remember that taste.
I pinned you gently on the bed and felt your hands caressing the back of my neck. I smiled. My black hair was caressing the sides of your face.
“Make love to me” you said softly. I felt my heart going faster. We had never done this before. I nodded nervously and kissed you deeply. Your soft moans made me go further. You suddenly broke the heated kiss crawling to the nightstand quickly. I looked at the stuff you were holding. I smiled. You’d come prepared.
I saw your face blushing and kissed your warm cheeks.
“I’ll always love you” I said to you. You kissed my neck
“You are my everything” You said. I held back happy tears. Nothing seemed so perfect.
Just you and me.
I prepared you, taking my time. I was afraid that I was gonna hurt you.
“Mikey?” I said after a while. You smiled to encourage me to continue. I bit my lip and pushed into you slowly. You closed your eyes taking a sharp breath. Your nails dug into my shoulders. I didn’t like seeing you in pain.
“Mikey-“
“Keep going” You cut me off, opening your eyes. I pushed further in. Your warmth surrounded me, and I closed my eyes for a bit, taking in the feeling. You felt so good.
You took a few deep breaths, relaxing. I buried myself in you and began my slow movements.
“Gee” You softly moaned, burying your face on my shoulder. By that time I was panting.
I gave you a kiss. Your body was shaking, but you refused to stop.
We made love under the candle light. I would open my eyes from time to time, taking in your beautiful face, watching you. You were perfect in every way possible.
“I…love…you” I said between thrusts. You didn’t answer. You were unable to. Instead you pulled my face close and gave me a slow kiss, sneaking your tongue in my mouth. That said it all.
You broke the kiss suddenly arching your back and resting your head against the pillow.
“Right...right there” you breathed out. Your face was forming an expression of complete pleasure. I tried to satisfy you, succeeding with each thrust. Your soft moans filled the room.
“You’re so beautiful” I said to you moaning. You smiled.
I came screaming your name. You came a moment later.
After, we just lay there on the bed together. I had wrapped my arms around you, and you were resting your head on my chest.
You asked me if things could be different. I said that was impossible.
“Everything is possible” You said to me and we fell asleep. I wish I was able to go back in time, live this again. I wanted to freeze time, having you in my arms.
That’s all I need.

Now I’m holding your body, but I don’t like it. Cause I know that it may be the last time, and it’s killing me.
“I’m cold” You whisper. I choke back a sob and hold you tighter, trying to give you all the warmth in my body. I don’t need it anymore. I just need you.

I’m 25. You are 22. The start of the ending. I was holding you in my arms in our bedroom. We just made love. You were playing with my hair, giving me small kisses from time to time.
If I knew that would have been the last time I'd hold you like that, I would have done something. Something, anything to get my brother, my lover back in my arms like that.
The door banged open. Our father came inside, drunk. The shouting started instantly. We were both in our jeans, but our father knew.
The words “sick” and “faggots” came out of his mouth like mud. I wanted to protect you from his words.
You were always so sensitive.
I could see the hurt in your eyes as you shrugged behind me in shame. You were always afraid of our father. You had said to me once that I took his drinking problem from him. But I had stopped. I had stopped for you.
I could do anything for you.
I noticed in horror that he was holding a gun on his hand. My eyes opened wide, and I felt you grabbing my arm tightly when you saw.
He continued to shout, pointing the gun at us. We were both shaking in fear.
You begged for him to understand. His gun pointed at you.
The sound of a gunshot. A scream. A shout. An awful sound. A body falling on the ground…

I hear the ambulance outside the house.
“Gerard” you say your voice barely above a whisper. I look in your eyes
“I love you” You say.
“Don’t say it like that” I whimper, a loud sob escaping my lips.
“Baby, kiss me” You say to me, squeezing my hand with all the power that’s left in your body. I move closer to you, trembling, and seal your lips with a kiss. I know it’s the last. I feel you kiss back for a minute and close my eyes.
But then you stop.
My eyes open in panic to see you looking at me. Your eyes seem like they’re made of glass.
And there is no life in them anymore.
“NO! Mikey don’t do this to me!” I yell at your body, pulling you into my arms and hugging you tightly. Your head falls on my shoulder.
The paramedics rush in. They are taking me away from you.
“NO! Don’t take him away, he needs me!” I scream at them, trying to hold your body. But they hold me back. They hold me back, away from you. They don’t understand.

Suddenly I’m alone in the room. I still have your blood on my hands.
In my horror I realize that I didn’t say “I love you” back at you.
I WANTED YOU TO KNOW! Just one last time…
I break down, my loud sobs filling the empty house. I hold myself tightly, trying to keep the feeling of your body on me. Trying to imagine your arms around me again. I wanted to hold you. But they took you away from me!
A loud cry fills the room as I let my feelings overtake me, and I fall on the ground crying. I wanted you to know so badly.

I will never say ‘I love you’ again. I’m saving it for when I see you again…

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I hope I got u to the feeling there.
Comments are highly appreciated